Sept. 23rd, 2010 – I woke up almost startled from a deep sleep at 6 am. Which for those of you who know me, is a miracle. The early morning hours are not where I shine for Jesus! I sat with the Lord and listened to Him. He began to fill my head and heart with ideas for speaking at our church on Orphan Sunday, Nov. 7th.
I began to jot down some notes about how I could talk about orphan care worldwide. I stopped dead in my tracks as if the Lord was saying, “You cannot speak about what you do not know.” Ouch. I knew right then I had to get to Haiti! Haiti had been on my heart and on Eddy’s heart. Providentially, I already had a meeting scheduled with Kelly Chambley from the oak project that afternoon. She had taken a few trips to an orphanage in Haiti, and I was eager to find out more. She ended up not showing that day, so we rescheduled for Saturday. This very same Thursday night, I had a date with my husband and the subject of Haiti came up. I simply asked him if he would be interested in going together sometime. I told him I felt a strong pull to go. To my surprise, he said, "Yes, I would really like to go with you."
Sept. 25th - So, two days later, I met with Kelly Chambley at Starbucks. As I began to ask questions about the orphanage in Haiti, it was evident to Kelly that I wanted to go. So she said, “Hey, I am going on October 14th-18th. Wanna go?” Uuuhh, yea! I came home freaking out and talking to Eddy about going. He was a bit taken back by the quick timing of it all but was willing to pray and proceed to see if we could make it happen. So, on Sunday we had our small group pray that the Lord would open doors for us to get all our immunizations in time so that we could go. We had exactly one day to get them done, or else Eddy was not comfortable going. On Monday morning, I called the health department to find out how to get the shots. They could not see us until October 5th, which did not give us the 14 day window of being safe with immunizations. The lady at the health department happened to mention a little compounding pharmacy in Cleveland that might take us. I called and the lady had just placed an order for those exact immunizations that would arrive that morning, so she said we could come that afternoon and get all of them. Wow! Go God! The kids had fun watching us all get our shots – they were just glad it wasn’t them getting them. Our family left for a week long vacation to Rosemary beach the following day.
Oct. 14th – woke up at 3:00 in the morning to shower and leave by 4 am. We drove to Atlanta and checked in our 10 huge bags full of stuff for the orphanage. We flew to Miami, then a long layover, then into Port-au-Prince. The land was beautifully mountainous and dry. The people were well-dressed and friendly. We went through customs with no problem and only lost one bag.
The body guard “BIGS” was there to escort us to the van – along with his exposed pistol on his hip. Jackson, the driver, and Angie, the American missionary, were there, too. The walk to the car was strange and a bit scary. The Haitian people lined the street where we walked, taunting us, calling out to us, asking us for help. They would say things like, “You are a Christian. I am hungry. I need help.” It was tough. A newly placed chain link fence kept the people from being able to get to us, which was nice. Apparently, the fence was new and the people could just walk up and touch you in the past. We got in the van and drove a short 15 minute drive to the orphanage. On those 15 minutes I saw more poverty than ever in my life. People were everywhere! No traffic laws of any kind, so there was lots of starting and stopping and swerving and honking. The people would stare at us in the van. Many people had markets set up on the side of the road to sell things. Lots of food was being prepared out in the open. Lots of wild pigs and goats running round on top of heaps of trash.
Finally, we entered the locked security gate of the orphanage. What we saw was a breathtaking view of the mountains and an orphanage facility decimated by an earthquake. Rubble and rocks and loose stones were everywhere. The first children we encountered were the children of the toddler room. It was actually a large outdoor area enclosed by some rod iron bars. The children were behind the bars sheepishly waving to us. I had to force myself to touch them. I don’t know why I was hesitant. I guess you hear about sickness and filth in such a place so I was unfortunately very aware of it. I would reach through the bars and touch their hands or they would reach out to me and give me a ball. It was a priceless moment. I’ll never forget the first time I was touched by an orphan.
Angie gave us the tour of the facilities which brought us to the back area where the big kids stay. I was hearing some singing but could not make out what they were saying. Finally, I realized they were singing “this is the day that the Lord has made”. They paraded out in single file with their hands on each other’s shoulders. As they passed by, we gave each one of them a high five. At certain moments I would find myself on the brink of breaking down emotionally, and then I would suck in some air and move on. There were too many kids to play with…too many babies to hold.
One thing I was prepared for was a stinch. I don’t know why, but I thought the place would smell. I thought the kids would smell. NOTHING STUNK! As a matter of fact, as I got close to the kids, I realized they smelled really good - like a freshly bathed baby! We began holding and hugging and playing with the kids. They did not attack us. They just came in a group of one or two, wanting to play, wanting to be held. I remember seeing Eddy playing with a few boys and holding one boy in his arms. I think the reality hit him at that moment and he broke down for the first time. He just kept saying, “these kids don’t have a daddy to play with them or throw a ball with them. I can’t imagine if my Jackson did not have me. This is not ok!” I loved seeing his heart broken.
The very first night we were at the orphanage, my best friend, Shelley, and I went into the baby room. There were 18 infants there, all peacefully asleep or getting ready to go to sleep. The nannies were singing softly and many of the children were rocking back and forth or humming in their cribs. One of the infants, sitting in an infant carseat caught our attention, and we began to "coo" at her – her name was Naika. She was beautiful. Then suddenly I looked behind me and there were the biggest, brownest, most mesmorizing eyes I have ever seen. It was Kervens staring at me through the bars of his crib. He was lying on his side, just peaceful. I reached my hand into his crib and began stroking his arm. He did not pull away. I stroked him for about 10 minutes until he finally drifted off to sleep. That was our first encounter!
October 15th – our first full day at the orphanage…I was awakened at 5:15 AM to about 5 nannies singing Take My Life and Let it Be, in creole. It was absolutely beautiful. So fitting that they would be singing a song that had impacted me greatly in recent months. Throughout the day, I kept trying to go into the toddler room since that is where I thought I would connect with kids the most. I wouldn’t last more than 10 minutes, and I would find myself back in the infant room with Kervens. Angie was in the infant room just chatting with me and said, “That little guy (Kervens) is a hoot! He runs around naked, streaking down the hallway after a bath. He is a climber and so attentive to everyone around.” I began to watch him, and he was exactly as she said. Attentive, smiley, engaging, fast, a climber, and joyful all the time. I still had not heard him cry. I began to take him out of the infant room for walks around the orphanage. He had on the most adorable froggy jumper, which I actually think is Brooks’ old jumper. How weird is that? We gave all of Brooks old clothes to the orphanage a few months prior to this trip, and we really think that jumper was the exact jumper Brooks wore! I took him into our tent to play with a tennis ball. Shelley came in and took some of the pictures we treasure most. As a matter of fact, we got one quick picture of Eddy, me, and Kervens, and that is the only one we got of the three of us. Right after Shelley took the pic, Eddy left the tent. Shelley showed me how precious the pic was, and I thought to myself, “I wonder if that picture will end up being more precious to us than we realize right now.” Well, it sure is!
I spent the rest of the day playing with Kervens and painting fingernails with the big girls. Kervens’ favorite game was to hand me an imaginary toy (or a real one at times) and then take it back from me. We did this over and over again.
The big girls loved doing the nail art. And they were completely enthralled by the fingernail polish remover. I painted more fingers and toes than you can imagine. The kids did art with Gayle, jumped rope, had a big soccer game, did sticker books galore, and played four square... and the list goes on.
At one point on Friday, I was walking back to the tent and just about lost it emotionally. I had not cried yet, but I was overcome. I immediately sucked back my emotions and kept moving on…too many kids were waiting for me to play.
October 16th – Eddy had developed a neat friendship with Filder, the upper school teacher. He wanted to see his home, which was simply some wood and a tarp hanging over it. Eddy came back from that trip, sat down in the tent with me, and wept. He could not believe that some people live like this.
That afternoon, we tried to drive out to the new land in the new 12 passenger van. After about 30 minutes of starting and stopping and driving over rubble and heavy traffic, I began to feel sick. I started to dry heave and Jackson the driver had to stop and let me out. I was dry heaving on the side of the road in Port-au-Prince, with people all around me. Pierre, the haitian pastor who is the director of the orphanage, made the decision to go back to the orphanage and not continue. I kept begging them to just leave me. I was crying. But they wouldn’t leave me. Thank goodness. What was I thinking?
October 17th – this morning the floodgates of emotion opened. I woke up at 5:20 AM to the nannies singing their praises. Within one minute of my eyes being open, I began to weep. I was weeping at the beauty of this place. I was weeping because I felt so convicted about my lack of faith, my lack of prayers for my kids, my lack of singing the truths of scripture over my kids. I got up to go to the bathroom, and then I began to weep for the opposite side of things. I was appalled at the whole scene, beautiful children living with no mommy or daddy. Children crying with no one to console them for a while. Children accomplishing things with no parent to applaud their efforts. I was a basket case all day long. I spent each moment with Kervens that I could. I was there to feed him and give him his bottles. I began to take him and hold him on the front porch for long periods of time. Each time I had to take him back to the infant room for a diaper change or feeding or bath, it became harder and harder to separate us. He would scream as the nannies took him from my arms.
On Sunday afternoon, Eddy and I ended up in the tent alone. He asked, “how are you doing, honey? What are you thinking about adoption?” I was scared to be honest but I began to speak. I said, “when I let everything else fall away but the face of Jesus, I simply stand before him and say, ‘why wouldn’t I? What reason do we have NOT to take this child into our home?’ Eddy just listened and cried with me.
That afternoon, Kervens began having periodic waves of diarrhea from time to time. They were very diligent with him, though. I watched the nurse and the doctor check him out. They did exactly what our physicians would have done and took great care of him. The nannies knew he was sick and made sure he did not eat the beans on the plate of beans and rice. They gave him a special pablum formula and lots of pedialyte. At the end of the night, when most of his friends were asleep, I took him back to the room because he began to get restless. I could tell he was hungry. I went back in the room and asked if he could “manje” (eat). They told me no due to his diarrhea. I tried to take him out and get his mind off of it, but he was still restless. I knew he was tired, so I gave him back to a nanny, and he LOST it! This was the first time I heard him wail. I could barely handle it. I told Frankeys, the head of the nannies, that I had caused the crying and asked him if I should try to help or just let him go. He told me I was free to comfort him if I wanted to. I went and took him from the nanny and he stopped crying immediately. But minutes later, he was restless again. I knew he needed a bottle and sleep and that he was overtired now. I handed him over to the nannies and walked away. Needless to say, I had a hard time sleeping that night.
October 18th - The day had to come to leave. On the first day of our trip, I thought it would never get here. Now, it was here and I was panicking at the thought of leaving Kervens. We had bonded and grown close. I went in to see him that morning. He was lying in his crib peacefully but awake. I went in and smiled at him and he immediately crawled to his knees and held out his arms. I scooped him up and carried him out of there. We spent the morning together until he began to get restless again, needing food. I asked if he could “manje” and they told me no due to his diarrhea. I begged for God to allow me to feed him one more bottle before I left, so that I knew he would be ok. The most precious nanny came up to me with a half bottle of pedialtye to give him. She could tell I was hurting. This nanny’s name was Marys, and she obviously had a special love for Kervens. She hugged him, held him, played with him, and called herself his “mama”. I tried to feed him the bottle, which I knew he needed for hydration, but he would not take it. He began to cry. Marys came over and took him from me in a great manner, and she kissed him all over his face and got his attention off of the bottle, then shoved the bottle in his mouth as quick as a wink. He began to drink! I sat there with my mouth open. It was as if the Lord was saying to me, “You thought what you needed was to feed him one last bottle. But I KNEW what you really needed was to see Marys caring for him in a way that even you could not care for him.” She got him to do something I could not get him to do. I NEEDED to see him being cared for and loved. I sat there smiling at Marys and mouthing, “thank you.” I could tell she knew what I was saying. After a while, she gently placed him in my arms to finish his bottle. He drank a bit more then sat up. I knew I had to say goodbye. I began to weep. I handed him to Marys who gently held him while he screamed. She, in her own way, kept reassuring me that she would take care of him. I knew she would. I grabbed her face and kissed her and said thank you. Then, I walked away. I did not hear him cry for very long.
We had to go say goodbye to the older kids, which was hard. They began to cry. We all cried. I kissed their sweet faces. I thought to myself, “wow, just three days ago, I was very aware of germs and touching the kids and using hand sanitizer all the time.” Now, I did not think twice about kissing them on their sweet faces. It was just natural to do. They were so precious and beautiful - and they always smelled so darn good!
We drove to the airport and began our journey home, never to forget what we saw, never to be the same people. On the airplane, Eddy and I talked about Kervens. He mentioned that he was not at all concerned about the money it would take to adopt Kervens, that it would take care of itself. Miracle #10 for the day!
Then I shared my heart about Kervens and was scared to ask him what he was thinking. I finally did. He answered in this way…”well, I wrote my family an email last night before leaving the orphanage. I told them in the last line that they might need to get used to the idea of a black grandson.” I began to weep! Miracle #11 for the day.
That night, as we arrived in Chattanooga, I began to feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if it was from emotion or a bug, but I was dry heaving the last 15 minutes in the car. We finally made it and I crashed into bed.
October 19th – at 5 AM I woke up to horrible diarrhea. I had it for over two hours, then threw up. Eddy had to go teach for me as I was unfit. I found a way to get out of bed around 11 and head to Birmingham to get the kids from Linnie and Pop B’s (my parents) house. On my way in the car, I called Lifeline Adoption Agency in Birmingham because that was one of the four agencies Maison (the name of the orphanage) would work with. I began to tell Laura Hausen what happened and that we fell in love with a little guy over there. I was crying so hard she probably could not even understand me. Laura runs the Haiti program for Lifeline and proceeded to tell me that she is leaving for Maison on this Thursday, just two days from now! I told her all about Kervens and she said she would hug him and hold him for me.
I had a sweet reunion with the kids in Birmingham. I spent the evening sharing all the different stories from the trip. At some point in the evening, my mom said she could not wait a second longer to see a picture of Kervens. So, I pulled out the camera. She was completely taken by his beauty. So, as we shared pictures and tears, I decided to play some of the videos I had taken of Kervens.
(First I need to share a little background: whenever the subject of adoptions or orphans came up in our house prior to this trip to Haiti, Jackson, our oldest at 8 years, would always say, “I don’t want to adopt any orphans because they make me sad.” We would assure him that it was ok to feel that way, but we tried to let him know they are fun and loving people. They just need mommies and daddies. But yes, they probably are sad, too. However, we did not feel like the Lord was calling us to adopt any time soon, so we did not push the conversation any further. However, in the back of my mind, I was worried that someday we WOULD feel called to adopt and Jackson would not be open to it. Then what would we do as a family?)
So, here I am showing the video to my mom and sis when Jackson walks into the room. He watches the video for a few minutes – tons of kids coming in and out of the screen view. All of a sudden, Kervens comes into the picture and Jackson shouts out, “OH MY GOSH, I totally want HIM for my brother! Totally! I mean it! I want him for my brother!” I sat there completely dumbfounded. I had not spoken one word about Kervens to my children. I had not mentioned his name. I had not alluded to adoption in any way! I had said NOTHING! Fighting tears, I asked Jackson, “why are you saying that son?” He replied, “I don’t even know. I just think he is awesome. Look at his eyes. They are so…BIG! Look at him. I mean, he is just so cute. He is just so awesome. I just want him for my brother. Can I have him for my birthday mom? That is all I want, just him for my birthday.” I really could not take this all in. My heart was about to explode! After a few more minutes of this type of conversation, I went to put Jackson to bed, and he kept talking about wanting to go to Haiti for his birthday, wanting to get that “little dude” (Kervens) for his birthday, etc. I put Jackson down and immediately called Eddy. As I relayed this encounter, we both sobbed. Did the Lord just confirm in our hearts that we are supposed to adopt this little guy?
I returned home the next day with the kids. We all had a sweet reunion with the kids. What I wasn’t prepared for, was the fact that Eddy needed more time to process the Kervens decision. I was so ready to jump in full speed ahead. But Eddy wanted to talk things over with his family and not make an emotional decision. I wanted to honor his processing and talking with his family. But at times, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin with anxiousness. The Lord kept reminding me that He was in control.
Throughout the next 4 days, anytime Jackson would see a picture of Kervens or video of him, he would automatically chime in how he wanted him for his brother. He still did not know his name. But he knew his face and could pick him out of a crowd of orphans. If that isn’t supernatural, I don’t know what is.
Kenzie was a little more reluctant to share Jackson’s enthusiasm. She would say, “yes, he is so cute. But I want a sister.” As I overheard one conversation the kids were having about who they wanted for brothers and sisters, the Lord impressed on my heart to go speak to them. This is what He gave me to say…
“Guys, we do not get to choose who is going to be a part of our family. The Lord knits the family together in His own way and in His own time. It is not our decision whether we get a boy or a girl. Mommy did not get to pick you, Jackson, to be a boy. We took what God gave us. And mommy did not get to pick you, Kenzie, to be a girl. We took what God gave us. Now, we will always be open to whatever the Lord wants to do with our family and whoever God wants to be in our family. It is not up to us to decide that.” And I was fully prepared to hold and comfort a crying little girl, Kenzie, if and when we announced that we were going to adopt Kervens. And that would be ok. It is ok for her to want a girl. But the pressure was off ME to explain why she could not have a sister instead. This would be what the Lord wants for our family for now, and He knows best.
October 22nd – Eddy calls his mom to relay all the details of our trip. While they were talking, the subject of Kervens comes up. Dianne says, “I had a feeling this was going to happen to you Eddy. I had a feeling you would fall in love with someone over there. I want you to know I support you fully if that is what you decide to do. I would love to help pay for you guys to be able to go get him!” WHAT? We called that miracle #32.
October 24th- Eddy says he wants to go out to dinner so we can talk. Of course, I am dying to talk about Kervens, but I wanted to be open to whatever he needed to talk about. I had kept myself from bringing it up much during the course of the week.
As we were sitting on the outside patio of Carrabba’s, Eddy asked me how I was feeling about Kervens. Instead of holding back this time, I felt the Lord telling me to be honest with him to the fullest extent. As I began to talk, Eddy began to realize how deep this was for me. He listened to my entire monologue and sat there with love in his eyes. He responded with this phrase, “I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff, Carlee, and I just can’t jump. I can’t do it. I know this is what the Lord has for us, but I just can’t get there. I am begging Him to get me there, but I just can’t jump.” Then, in a manner as if he physically let go of a rope, he unclenched his hands, spread them wide open and spoke these words…”Start the paperwork, honey! Just do it! Let’s start the process!”
I have never been so proud of my husband. We both broke down, bawling on the patio of Carrabba’s with people sitting all around us. We held each other in a deep, long embrace when the waitress walked up. Eddy pops his head up and says to her, “I am sorry we are crying, we are just so excited because we are having a baby!!!!” I was shocked at his comment and his excitement. You see, one of the main concerns of Eddy’s was that he wanted to be genuinely excited if we did this. He did not want to feel hesitant. Well, the Lord answered that prayer with gusto. Eddy was shouting it from the rooftops practically. He wanted to call Brandon and Lisa Shannon first – friends of ours who have adopted 4 children from Ethiopia. We called them and talked to them on speakerphone, as if we had just found out we were pregnant! It felt the same!
October 25th – We did not tell the kids yet. We were waiting for the right time. But it was hard not to share it with others. We got an unexpected gift on Monday morning. As I was in the car with the kids, Jackson began talking about Kervens again! And Kenzie said, “yea, I actually want him for a brother, too.” She said it quietly from the back of the van, but I heard it loud and clear! I smiled as I drove down the road. Even Kenzie had been supernaturally touched by Kervens. Then Jackson says, “is there any chance that I will get that little dude for my birthday?” I smiled and said, “you just might, Jackson.”
October 26th – We decided to wrap up a picture of Kervens and let Jackson open an early birthday present. His birthday wasn’t for two more days, but we couldn’t hold it in any longer. Eddy and I brought the kids in and sat them on the couch. We told Jackson he could open an early birthday gift but that the gift was for all the kids. Jackson opened the gift, threw his hands in the air, and started screaming with joy. He read the paper to Kenzie and brooks that explained that we were going to adopt Kervens, and they all started jumping up and down and dancing around. Then Jackson says, “I can’t wait to kiss his black face!” Priceless. Brooks calls him Bourbons instead of Kervens. But he is so excited about sharing his room and his toys and teaching him to play baseball and on and on. Of course, Brooks as a two year old has no concept of time, so he keeps asking, “When Bourbons donna det here?”
I was now experiencing total relief. I did not know if I would be more sad or more worried about Kervens... but I wasn’t. I was just thrilled to be starting the process! God had worked a miracle and we were getting to watch His perfect plan unfold right before our very eyes.
October 28th – I got to speak with Laura Hausen at Lifeline about her trip to Haiti. She shared about how amazing the experience was and how precious Kervens was. She talked about how fun it was to hold him and see him in person. She understood, now, why we want to adopt him so badly.
